


The Day

by LylaRivers



Series: Botany [4]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:44:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2311703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LylaRivers/pseuds/LylaRivers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The anniversary of the destruction of Vulcan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Day

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hurt me.... most of the next few fics I have for this series all involve pain for either Spock or Kirk. This one is Spock pain.
> 
> Sorry -not sorry-.

The Day. Spock needs no other descriptor for the anniversary of the destruction of Vulcan - and his mother's death. Spock asks for and receives leave for the full day - unusual for him. He knows the Captain - Jim, his Jim - is worried, but all he's planning to do is spend the day in seclusion in his room. For all his worries, Jim seems to understand his longing for solitude.

However, Spock begins to realize staying in his quarters is not a good idea. There are too many reminders of Vulcan - and his mother - everywhere in his room. He can barely stand to look at anything he has from Vulcan. So instead, he wanders the ship, looking for somewhere secluded. The best place he can come up with is that fateful spot in Botany.

Spock sits on the ground a little ways away from the bench. He is hid from view by large clumps of rose bushes Sulu has been working on. He tries desperately not to think about the roses his mother had grown painstakingly on Vulcan. Spock starts to wonder if anywhere on the ship is safe from his memories.

He looks up as a shadow falls over him - Jim. "Fancy meeting you here," Jim says, obviously attempting levity. He sits down next to Spock.

"Why are you not on the bridge?" Spock whispers, not quite trusting his voice.

Jim takes one of his hands. "I figured you needed me more. It's pretty calm up there anyways.  And, I noticed you weren't in your quarters. So I started to get a bit worried."

"You were watching me?" Spock asks.

Jim shrugs. "I rigged the computer to tell me if you left your room and to track you from there. And... I was monitoring the bond." He grimaces slightly. "I was worried. Can you really blame me?"

And suddenly, Spock wonders why he would have ever chosen to be alone. "Thank you," he whispers with great difficulty. The irony of the current situation is not lost on him.

Jim smiles sadly and wraps his arms around Spock. "I'm not the only one who's worried, and you're not the only one who lost that day. Some members of the crew are organizing a memorial after Alpha Shift." Jim strokes his hair. "I think the crew will understand if you're not there, but if you want to..." he trails off.

Spock squeezes Jim's hand, and nods slightly. It's a human habit he's picked up more from being bonded with Jim than anything else. Strange, how such a human gesture makes him feel closer to his mother. On second thought, though, perhaps it is not so strange.

Jim kisses the top of Spock's head. Spock is reminded forcibly of the last time he sat here with Jim. This particular line of thought makes him want to leave Botany even more than the reminders of his mother - which should disturb him far more than it does. It makes him feel more heartless than anything ever said about Vulcans - he cried when Jim died, but fails to focus his mind properly on mourning his home planet and mother.

Jim seems to sense this abrupt mood shift through the bond, relatively weak though it may be. "To be fair, I'm very distracting," Jim says, mustering up a weak smile.

Spock is not sure how to respond to that - or if it needs a response. "Come on Spock, let's get you to my quarters. No memories of your mom there, right?" Jim asks. He stands up, and offers his hand to Spock. Spock takes it gratefully, and follows Jim to his quarters.

***

"Computer, raise temperature 5 degrees," Spock hears Jim say. It almost sounds as if Jim is lost in a fog. Spock stands woodenly in the center of the room, shivering slightly until Jim gently pulls him over to sit on the bed.

"You're more than welcome to stay here," Jim says as he wraps his arms around Spock. Irrationally, Spock feels just a bit warmer after this. "Do you want me to stay with you? I can, if you need me too."

This is conflicting. Spock desperately wants Jim to stay. He's lonely, sad, and missing his mother. Spock has felt so alone with his mother dead, and Jim has only begun to ease that void.

But. Technically, Jim still has a job to do. Besides, Spock had originally planned to spend the day alone-  it feels wrong, somehow to not be spending this anniversary with his own people, so he had originally compromised for meditation, and hopefully a call to his father.

Jom touches his two fingers to Spock's in a Vulcan kiss. "Hey. Either way, I can leave and come back. I'll know, remember?"

Spock does remember - of course he does. It's a mark of how bad the day has been that he refrains from mentioning his perfect recall, and utter inability to forget anything, no matter how much he may want to. He can not forget the look on his mother's face as she fell to her death.

Mentally, Spock shakes himself. Jim. His adeptness at manipulating the bond. That was the only purpose Jim had in bringing up memory. Jim's idea is a logical solution.

"This is a... logical solution," Spock says finally, hoping for some semblance of normal.

Lightly, Jim kisses him the human way, then stands up. 'I grieve with thee' he sends through the bond, and leaves, presumably to return to the bridge.

***

Without Jim's presence, the room seems to shrink. The room is illogically small - the walls are shrinking. Shrinking. Just as the planet crumbles around him as he rushes to save his mother. The look on her face as she plunges to her doom. The trust in her eyes as she is sure her son will save her. His helplessness as he lands on the transporter pad, without her.

Such feelings are illogical. What is, is.

Feelings are not illogical. They are simply human.

You are not human. Mother was human. You are Vulcan.

Half Vulcan. I am also half human. Just as Mother was.

You strove to be entirely Vulcan all throughout your childhood. Why the change now? Could it be because of the human?

JIM!

***

Spock opens his eyes to see Nyota leaning over him.  "Where is Jim?" he croaks out.

Nyota eyes him strangely. "He's in Sickbay. He kept muttering about something being wrong with you, then he passed out."

"Must. see. him. All. my. fault," Spock mutters.

"What's your fault?" Nyota asks.

"Jim. Bond. My... emotions," Spock says. "Need to get to him."

"Be careful," Nyota implores him as she helps him to stand.

"How can I not?"

***

"I'm fine, Bones," Spock hears Jim complain as he enters Sickbay. "Seriously. This isn't something one of your magic hypos will fix... Spock!" he exclaims.

"What did you do to him you green blooded hobgoblin?" McCoy accosts Spock.

"I believe this was a result of... emotional backlash, Captain," Spock says, reverting to stiff formality. He is ashamed to have brought such damage to his Captain and t'hy'la.

Jim glares at McCoy. "Bones. Do you mind?" he asks pointedly.

McCoy matches his glare. "Get out before I change my mind."

***

Jim drags Spock to the Observation Deck. "Spock. What's going on?"

"I have hurt you through the bond. This is unforgivable."

"No. It's not unforgivable. Very few things are. You need emotional support!"

"I should not have lost control."

"Spock, don't block me out! Don't do this to yourself - or to me! Please!"

Why can Spock not refuse Jim anything? He can no more bring himself to intentionally harm Jim than to cut off the points of his ears.

"This time, I'm staying with you. No excuses. No exceptions. I refuse to let you wallow in pain and guilt by yourself. And don't try to say it's what you deserve. No one deserves that. And I will shut you down if you try to claim this so fast you won't have time to blink. Don't argue with me right now."

This time, it's Spock who initiates the contact. "Please... do not... leave me alone... t'hy'la," he begs.

"Never," Jim replies firmly. "Do you understand me? I will never leave you alone."

*****

 

 


End file.
